From Childhood to Adulthood

Have you ever wondered why some relationships feel easy and natural while others are filled with conflicts and the feeling of insecurity? Much of this can be explained through the theory of attachment patterns. This theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand how our early relationships with parents and caregivers influence our relationships and behaviors as adults.

What are attachment Styles?

Attachment patterns are the ways in which we form and maintain relationships with other people. These patterns are established early in life, based on how our parents or guardians interact with us. The four main attachment styles are:

1. Secure connection
2. Avoidant attachment
3. Ambivalent attachment
4. Disorganized attachment

How are attachment patterns formed in childhood?

1. Secure attachment: Children with secure attachment have guardians who are sensitive, responsive and consistent. These children feel safe to explore the world and know they can return to a safe base.
   
   Example: Lisa is four years old and is playing in the park while her mother is sitting on a bench nearby. When Lisa falls and hits herself, she immediately runs to her mother for comfort. The mother hugs her, comforts her and encourages her to play again. Lisa feels safe and loved, and returns to the game with renewed confidence.
   
   
2. Avoidant attachment: Caregivers of children with this pattern are often emotionally unavailable or dismissive. As a result, these children tend to avoid close contact and may appear independent and emotionally withdrawn.
   
   Example: Johan is five years old and tries to show his father a drawing he has drawn. The father, who is often busy with work, gives him a “good job” card without looking up. Johan feels rejected and learns that there is no point in seeking attention or comfort from his father. Instead, he begins to keep his feelings to himself.
   
   
3. Ambivalent attachment: This pattern develops when caregivers are inconsistent in their responses. The child may become clingy and insecure because they do not know when or if their needs will be met.
   
   Example: Emma is three years old and wants her mother to read a book to her. Sometimes the mother reads happily and with enthusiasm, but other times she is stressed and rejects Emma. Emma becomes clingy and insecure, constantly worrying that her mother won’t be available when she needs her.
   
   
4. Disorganized attachment: This pattern often occurs in environments of trauma or abuse, where caregivers are both a source of security and fear. The child experiences a conflict between seeking comfort and avoiding danger.
   
   Example: Alex is six years old and grows up in a home where his father is often violent. Sometimes the father is loving, but he can quickly become threatening and violent. Alex never knows what to expect and often feels confused and scared. He sometimes seeks comfort from his father, but is also afraid of him.

Attachment patterns in adulthood

The attachment patterns we develop as children affect us throughout our lives. Here are some examples of how they can manifest in adult relationships:

1. Secure attachment: Adults with secure attachment have an easier time creating close, loving relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and are often open with their feelings.
   
   Example: Sofia has a secure attachment and therefore has healthy and stable relationships. She communicates openly with her partner and feels comfortable both giving and receiving love and support.
   
   
2. Avoidant attachment: These adults may have difficulty getting close to others and may appear emotionally distant. They value independence and can avoid becoming too dependent on others.
   
   If you keep a distance, you reduce the risk of being abandoned and losing your independence. Involving others in your emotional life does not feel natural, especially as you often do not even know what you feel. When the closeness is too intense, one can push away or distance oneself.It’s not really the other person you want to push away, but what creates stress and the feeling of not being free. Although it is not really the proximity in itself that is the problem, but what is associated with proximity, demands. It lost independence and freedom.
   
   The other person’s feelings and needs can take over so you adapt to, to avoid being left behind. There is a risk of losing one’s independence and being abandoned. The pain of not being understood. There is always a risk that one begins to deliver the closeness that the other wants and adapts until it becomes difficult to breathe. Then you can distance yourself for hours or days or push the other away through arguments.
   
   Example: Erik has a hard time letting go of someone really close. In his relationships, he often keeps an emotional distance and avoids talking about his feelings. He is often uncomfortable with intimacy, especially emotional intimacy, and prefers to be independent. Fear of being rejected and abandoned and not worthy of love.
   
   
3. Ambivalent Attachment: Adults with this pattern can be clingy and insecure in their relationships. They may experience great fear of abandonment and may seem dependent on validation from their partner.
   
   You want to find the perfect relationship where you feel alive and seen. You want to go where you feel strong and are looking for someone to bond with. Often this person offers a relationship pattern you recognize. First, a strong sense of connection and irresistible attraction. It feels right and as if you are seen and loved deeply. This is what you’ve always been missing, the soulmate you’ve been looking for. Finally. So time goes by and the closeness is replaced more and more by a distance. The closeness that existed at the beginning turns over time instead into an experience of deep loneliness.
   
   The ambivalent pattern means that you agree to this in the hope that it will get better. One settles for small, small signs of closeness and contact. Words not followed by action can keep hope alive.
   When it finally doesn’t work anymore, many ambivalents end up in some kind of exhaustion. When the attachment pattern has been triggered for a long time, the nervous system becomes so exhausted that you can become a stressed, fragile, sad and lost version of yourself. It’s a difficult place, but often you have to go all the way here to find the motivation to make a change. Maybe you need to go here many times to gain a series of experiences of not being able to get the other person to be the unconditionally loving parent you lack.
   
   Example: Maria often feels insecure in her relationships and is afraid of being abandoned. She constantly seeks validation from her partner and can become clingy and demanding when she doesn’t feel enough attention.
   
   
4. Disorganized attachment: These individuals may have a chaotic approach to relationships, alternating between seeking closeness and pushing others away. In adulthood, a disorganized attachment can lead to both avoidance and rejection reactions, and many have difficulty establishing healthy, long-term relationships with others. There may be an unconscious tendency to assume the role of parent or child towards a partner in a love relationship in adulthood.
   
   Example: Jonas, 44, has a risky use of alcohol and his wife Viveca, 46, has turned a blind eye to the problem for far too long. Viveca herself grew up with addiction problems in her family, and in her relationship with Jonas, she has unconsciously assumed the role of the affectionate mother she herself has always missed. Viveca is stuck in a co-dependency and in the belief that what she is doing is for Jonas’s good, the real problem has ended up in the shadows and gradually escalated.
   
   Example: Anders has difficulty managing his relationships. He can be intensely present and seek closeness, but just as quickly withdraw and become evasive. His behavior is often confusing to his partner and is due to his past traumatic experiences.

Practical tips for managing attachment patterns

• Self-Awareness: Understand your own attachment pattern and how it affects your relationships. Self-reflection and possible therapy can be very helpful.
  
  
• Communication: Open and honest communication with your loved ones can help build and maintain secure relationships.
  
  
• Seek support: Professional help such as therapy can be crucial in processing and changing insecure attachment patterns.

Summary

Understanding attachment patterns can give us valuable insights into our relationships and how we interact with the world. By identifying and working with our own patterns, we can create healthier and more satisfying relationships both now and in the future.